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It has come to my attention lately that itapos;s time to start rethinking the things I thought I knew. I thought I understood love and relationships, or rather, that I had come to believe they donapos;t really exist in healthy ways. But Iapos;m starting to remember how I used to believe that love was out there for me somewhere. I miss that feeling, the poetic nature of yearning for a Someone Else. And other people are showing me that it does exist, the Real Thing. So maybe I have written it off too soon.

The past 10 years have been about transition, from high school to college to work, back to school, and now back to work. Iapos;ve spent a lot of time floating, building an easily transportable life. But now Iapos;m older, and the next step is not a different job or a new apartment. Iapos;m working in smaller increments now. I am home, where Iapos;ve wanted to be for years. The Next Big Thing is here. If Iapos;m seeking a home, I canapos;t wait for the next move. Home is here, and I have to make it here. The big career moves are farther in the future. I have to get better at this job before I can move on to the next one.

I spent a lot of time in my formative years going with the flow. Things came easy and I got lazy. I got comfortable with playing the princess, taking in any old suitor who crossed my path and taking up past times that seemed to stick. But now I realize that if I want things to be better than just Good, I have to approach them with intent. I have to be more conscious with my intentions and my attentions. If I want love, I have to believe in it and I have to seek it. If I want to have a better job, I have to do a better job. If I want to lose weight, I have to think about food differently, which means strategically eating better to eat less. If I want to have a home, I have to make it here. My life can no longer be about just picking up what drifts by. Whatever I want, I have to create it, and I have to be mindful of what Iapos;m doing. Doing well without trying worked when everyone else was mediocre. I have to do better now because my playing field has shifted. Now Iapos;m doomed to mediocrity unless I work harder. So thatapos;s my new goal - to work harder and do better.

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